Late-night host Jimmy Kimmel is once again without a stage, a desk, or an audience to chuckle nervously at his political jabs. For the second time in just two weeks, ABC suspended Jimmy Kimmel Live! after the comedian made controversial comments about the assassination of conservative activist Charlie Kirk. This time, Kimmel insists he’s had enough of America. His solution? A dramatic self-exile across the Atlantic.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Kimmel told reporters outside his Hollywood Hills home while wearing what appeared to be pajama bottoms and flip-flops. “If telling a few jokes about Charlie Kirk gets me suspended again, maybe I should just leave this country altogether. I’m thinking the UK—they seem to like their comedians snarky, toothy, and perpetually apologizing. I’ll fit right in.”

The controversy began after Kimmel’s September monologue, in which he sarcastically compared the political outcry over Kirk’s death to “a reality show elimination episode.” He further quipped that “Charlie Kirk spent years warning about America collapsing, and now people are acting like he was Captain America himself.”

The jokes landed poorly in a country still processing the shock of Kirk’s assassination. Viewers flooded ABC with complaints, accusing Kimmel of “mocking a national tragedy.” Within 24 hours, ABC execs—already jittery from mounting advertiser boycotts—pulled the plug.

“It wasn’t the jokes themselves so much as the timing,” said one ABC insider. “It’s one thing to be edgy. It’s another to roast the guy when the casket hasn’t even cooled.”

ABC’s decision marks Kimmel’s second suspension in as many weeks, and affiliates are growing restless. Several major stations—including those in Texas, Florida, and Ohio—refused to air his show during its previous return, replacing him with reruns of Walker, Texas Ranger and, in one case, a half-hour of inspirational quotes set to country fiddle music. Ratings, ironically, went up.

“The truth is, we were relieved,” admitted one local station manager. “Kimmel’s monologues make our phone lines light up like a Christmas tree. Viewers either love him or hate him, and most of our advertisers just want to sell pickup trucks. Trucks don’t need controversy.”

But Kimmel isn’t pouting quietly. He’s planning an escape. “I’ll do what Ellen did,” he explained, referencing Ellen DeGeneres’s much-publicized move to Britain after her own career implosion. “She’s thriving over there—hosting bake-offs, sipping tea with royals, whatever. I’ll start Jimmy Kimmel: Live-ish! out of a pub basement in London. I’ll make fun of cricket, the Queen’s corgis, and how beans on toast is a thing. The Brits love self-deprecation, and I’ve been practicing since 2003.”

His proposed set includes a Union Jack backdrop, a permanently foggy smoke machine, and a recurring bit where he tries to order “fries” but gets corrected to “chips.”

British media, however, seem less than enthused. The Guardian ran a dry headline: “Another Yank Thinks He’s Funny.” The Daily Mail went further, warning its readers: “Jimmy Kimmel Eyes UK Move—Nation Braces for More Mediocrity.”

One British comedian, when asked about the potential move, simply sighed: “We’re still recovering from James Corden. Have mercy.”

The suspension has also reverberated across America’s political landscape. President Donald Trump quickly celebrated the news, posting on Truth Social: “Kimmel suspended AGAIN for making disgusting comments about Charlie Kirk. Nobody liked his jokes anyway. Don’t come back, Jimmy. Britain can have you!”

Vice President JD Vance went further, suggesting that Kimmel’s suspension should be permanent. “Free speech is one thing. Spitting on the grave of a murdered patriot is another,” Vance said at a rally in Ohio.

Within the comedy world, reactions are split. Stephen Colbert described the suspension as “a sad day for late-night freedom, but also, fewer Jimmys to confuse my mother with.” Jimmy Fallon tried to sound supportive but quietly admitted the ratings vacuum would benefit him. Seth Meyers, when asked for his perspective, was stunned to learn he still had a show.

Meanwhile, Matt Damon took the opportunity to troll his long-time nemesis, releasing a statement: “Finally, America sees what I’ve been saying for years—Kimmel is unwatchable.”

For ABC, though, the numbers speak loudest. Since Kimmel’s comments about Charlie Kirk, advertisers have fled. Starbucks, Target, and even Big Lots reportedly pulled millions in ad dollars. One insider revealed, “We’ve had to fill the breaks with PSAs about hand-washing. It’s bleak.”

Industry analysts warn that even if Kimmel launches a UK reboot, the budgets won’t match his Hollywood lifestyle. “The BBC doesn’t pay in millions. They pay in tea bags and polite applause,” said one. “If Kimmel thinks Adele is going to sing punchlines for him, he’s in for a rude awakening.”

On the street, however, most Americans don’t seem too invested. Polls show 60% of respondents didn’t even realize Jimmy Kimmel Live! was still on the air. One Ohio truck driver summed it up: “If he leaves for London, good for him. I’m more of a Weather Channel guy anyway.”

Social media, on the other hand, had a field day. Memes circulated showing Kimmel photoshopped into The Great British Bake Off, weeping into a Victoria sponge while Paul Hollywood gave him a handshake. Others placed him in Buckingham Palace with the caption: “Britain, he’s your problem now.”

Despite the ridicule, Kimmel seems determined. “I’ll reinvent myself, just like Ellen,” he repeated. “I’ll be Britain’s favorite American export since Meghan Markle.”

But skeptics wonder whether his ego will survive without Hollywood glitz. “He’s used to celebrity guests like George Clooney,” one critic noted. “In London, he’ll be lucky to get Nigel Farage and a guy who played third trombone in Les Misérables.”

For now, Jimmy Kimmel remains suspended, sulking, and planning his UK escape. Whether he truly leaves or not, his saga serves as a reminder: in America, even late-night comedians aren’t safe from the culture wars, especially when their punchlines target a fallen conservative hero.

And if Kimmel really does head to London, well—let’s hope the Brits remember that he once hosted The Man Show.

NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.