KRISTIN CABOT BREAKS COVER AFTER CEO AFFAIR SCANDAL — BUT IT’S WHAT’S MISSING ON HER FINGER THAT’S GOT PEOPLE TALKING
Wearing the Same Necklace from the Kiss Cam Clip and No Wedding Ring, the HR Chief Appears at Her $2.2M Mansion Looking “Defeated and Defiant All at Once”

Rye, New Hampshire — It’s the suburban sighting that sent group chats into meltdown.

Kristin Cabot, Astronomer’s embattled Chief Human Resources Officer, was spotted Wednesday afternoon looking like a Real Housewives episode no one signed up for. Clad in a pink velour tracksuit straight from 2007 and the same very identifiable silver necklace from that infamous kiss cam video with now-former CEO Andy Byron, Cabot emerged for the first time since the concert calamity that derailed two careers, shattered one marriage (allegedly), and nearly broke LinkedIn.

Exclusive images show the 52-year-old watering her garden with all the cheer of a woman slowly drowning in PR crisis management and rosemary. While six unidentified guests enjoyed golf swings and soccer in the backyard, Cabot tended her flowerbeds with the laser focus of someone trying very hard not to be noticed — and failing spectacularly.

But it wasn’t just the vibe that had the internet zooming in. It was the hand.

“NO RING. SAME NECKLACE. SAME DRAMA,” one Twitter user posted alongside a pixelated screengrab of the footage, now labeled: “The Kiss Heard Around TechTok.”

“Sis wore the kiss cam necklace again?? She said IDGAF in cursive,” added @HR_Hellscape.

WHERE’S ANDREW?

Notably absent from this highly unrelaxing domestic tableau: Kristin’s husband, Andrew Cabot, the rum tycoon and alleged billionaire who also apparently missed the memo about his marriage going viral.

Sources close to the couple — read: one extremely chatty neighbor with binoculars and a vape — say Andrew hasn’t returned from his “business trip” in Singapore since the video broke the internet on July 16. Whether he’s distancing himself geographically or emotionally is anyone’s guess, but insiders say his silence has been “deafening.”

“The man built an empire off high-proof rum, and even he wasn’t prepared for this level of thirst trap scandal,” quipped one Reddit user.

THE BACKYARD SUMMIT

As for the guests? Unclear. Possibly family. Possibly friends. Possibly crisis comms professionals pretending to be cousins. One man was seen practicing golf swings so aggressively that online sleuths began speculating he was either blowing off steam — or auditioning for a Hulu limited series.

Meanwhile, Kristin remained largely silent, interacting briefly with one small white dog and a sprig of lavender that, to be fair, looked pretty stressed too.

DAMAGE CONTROL: INITIATED

Astronomer, the mid-sized data tech company now known more for its HR nightmares than cloud architecture, released a statement Thursday morning:

“We remain committed to upholding the values of professionalism and accountability. Kristin Cabot remains on temporary leave, pending the outcome of our internal review. We have no further comment at this time.”

Translation: We’re praying this blows over before Q3 earnings.

FINAL TAKEAWAY:

Kristin Cabot may have stepped outside, but the storm is far from over. The flowers may be watered — but the internet? Still parched for drama.

This article is fictional satire for entertainment purposes only.